Enough

So after my "bring it, dating world" post, I began thinking about the data points the single men on the market (who are worth dating and spending a future with) might also have. And wondering if I would live up to those standards. Like I said, "Divorcee with dog and no steady income"...doesn't really attract the men.

I would've never expected to be divorced, still not licensed in my field, and without a full-time job at this point in my life. I wouldn't have expected to be sleeping alone, spending holidays with friends and family instead of a man who holds my heart. I think as a child I would've pitied my current/then-future self. The outsider sees loneliness, a woman unloved.

If only I could tell her that her heart is worth treasuring. That the life she sees shouldn't be pitied, but aspired to - maybe lacking the divorce and adding jobs.

That life is worth living...fully...not just surviving.

That sometimes the road worth taking isn't easy, but that she has enough in her to make it through the rough spots.

That she should never let the fire, the strength, in her die. It is the sparkle that sets her apart. It should be cherished by herself and should be respected and cherished by the man who will someday hold her heart.

Those are the things I hope little girls growing up now know. They are the things I grew up being taught. And they are the things that, when faced with the possibility of a future of bad dates, remind me now that I am worth the work. I should be treasured, just as I will treasure the man who will have my heart.

I am enough.

TED Thursday: The world of online dating

I came across this TED talk today. A girl, recently out of a relationship, who loves data and connecting the dots and makes a mean timeline. She's a planner. Any of that sound familiar?

I found myself laughing out loud at a couple parts, loving how she broke down the system to find what she needed. The talk is hilarious. Give it a listen.

As I've talked to friends, most of whom are happily married, about the re-entry to the single world...they are at a loss for advice on how to meet guys. You can't just stroll across the Quad or go to a new class next semester and hope you find a cutie worth getting to know. And most of these happily married friends? Have friends who are happily married. So they can't troll their friends for possible dates for me, either. Time and time again, their answers were "what about online dating?"

There are so many thoughts that come to mind with that simple question. Because it doesn't feel so simple. Which site would I choose? Where do I even begin when it comes to setting up a profile? How much/how little information do I tell? What happens when no one emails/pokes/responds/messages/(insert whatever it is you do to chat on online dating because I'm so clueless here) me?

This lady took those frustrations and her skillset and made it work for her. It's hilarious...and ingenious. While I don't plan on engineering a handful of fake profiles, I applaud her for doing the legwork. And the moral of the story is: the legwork paid off. Sometimes, alright - most times, boys are dumb and they need help putting their shoes on, let alone finding someone who could conceivably become a life partner - so the creepy fake profiles seem less creepy when it pays off. Alright, the shoes are probably an overstatement, but I bet every girl reading this is nodding her head.

It all seems laughable to me.

[Find site]

[Create account with boringly literal or strangely funny username to lure boys]

[Insert picture]

[Add stupid quip that continues to attract said boys]

I'm pretty sure "Divorcee with dog and no steady income" is not the product of the algorithm that ends in my favor. That is not the milkshake that brings the boys to the yard.

I'm also pretty sure that my list would have at least 72 data points.

But what I do know FOR A FACT...is that I have awesome friends who will remind me along the way that he is out there and I just have to keep living and working and someday my man of action will show up.

Bring it, dating world. Smileygirl1978 ain't got nothin' on this milkshake*.

*In fact, it appears she hasn't even seen a milkshake in awhile.

Building my future

While I joke about being okay with being a single gal, and I am, I also know that at some point in my future I will want to be an independent-minded woman staring at the adventures of my future with an independent-minded man at my side. I won't NEED him there, but I will want him to share in the experiences with me. And he won't NEED me there, but will equally want me.

I spent many nights mulling over the issues of my last relationship, both while it was happening and after the fact. I've learned from it. I may not ever know exactly what changed, but I've taken away from it the things I know will make me an even better partner in the future. And I also understand that there's no looking back. There's no sense in constantly re-hashing in my mind the events that occurred and the events that didn't. I will always enjoy the fond memories that I have of times past, but the memories aren't the present, and they hadn't been in awhile. You can't remain happy only from memories of long ago.

Just as you can't live in the past for happiness, you can't live in the past for sadness. You move on, you learn, you build your future forward.

And so I work on bettering myself, continually. I work on sorting out in my mind and planning for the life I'd like to have. I work on doing the things I love and being the person I want to be. I work on being happy, and doing the things that make me happy. I work on enjoying the moment. I'm building my life for the future.

I am a woman of action. And I know, both from that acknowledgement and from past experiences, that I want and need a man of action. A man who can help carry the load when it gets heavy. A man who will work with me, side by side, through the good days and the bad, to continually make our relationship the best it can be. Who will put in the effort to make the relationship great without making it feel like work. A man who will say nice things to me, both romantic and funny, to make me smile and laugh, but will also then follow those words with actions that reinforce the thought. A man who will call me on my sh!t when I get too sassy for my shoes (as Katie will attest I am apt to do), but love me just the same when the dust settles.

Does that man exist?

Who knows. I hope so. But until then, you can find me building my future...

Another's brave journey

A dear friend lost his job today. I know this blog is about me and my journey, but so much of me is given strength by the close knit group of friends I am lucky to have (see here and here) - so for me, his journey is my journey. As he is my friend, I am his. And today I feel for him.

I almost don't know where to begin; all of the thoughts seem to be swirling like an unkempt merry-go-round, tumbling around with the mismatched clothes in the dryer (because why the hell would a merry-go-round be in the dryer? My point exactly. Bag o' cats up there). I pained that I didn't know how to come to his aid today, and I myself have heard - and been frustrated by - too much of "I know how you feel" lately to be able to utter those words to him as he shared the news with his friends. I've had to leave a job, many jobs in fact, in the past because of military moves, but have yet been stationary and without. So I don't, truly, know how it feels. I found myself wanting to say it, and bit my tongue as we spoke. Remembering how those words felt like a hot hand on my cheek when others said them to me.

But I empathize nonetheless.

The world of architecture right now, and in recent years, is not an easy one. While most of the nation struggled/struggles under a max 8% unemployment rate, architecture has been almost double that at times - and still sits above the national average. Even so, he is a talented architect. He is goal-oriented and attuned to details. He is so worthy of a blessed future and I can only imagine how downtrodden he feels tonight.

He is one to always see the design in things, how something relates to another. Another friend described him recently as "the big picture" guy. When I saw this quote today, I immediately thought of him.

I hope he realizes the support structure he has. His family. His friends. His peers. I hope he realizes his value to the profession. I hope he sees this as a chance to redirect the journey, rather than a collapsed bridge. I have many hopes, but mostly I hope he finds peace in the unsettled moments, both now and in the immediate future.

I know he is a believer, so I will end with this, because no one ever says it better than He does.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

We're all in your corner. Know that, if you know anything.

Friday Fun-day

With both a mix of inspiration and fun, I welcome Friday. Today is the Sara Bareilles concert - holla!!!

Real vs Perceived

I saw a tweet the other day that spoke to me:

Sometimes it's hard to live the life that would make you happy instead of the life that would make other people think you are happy.

I think it pretty well sums up some of the kickback we received after letting people know of our decision. A lot of people, when they found out, throw all sorts of "fix" ideas at us. Like they somehow thought we wouldn't have tried everything in our power. I am beginning to understand it's their own version of a coping mechanism in hopes to be helpful because they don't know what else to do. But it's tiring to have to re-explain and convince them that we did our due diligence and made the decision we think is right.

Most of this has calmed down, but I do think it is a continuous struggle to remember, after trying so long in a different vein, that I am worthy of living the life that makes me happy.

This is not to say we didn't start happy. We were. But something changed. I don't know what. I don't know that I'll ever know what. But I know that I put in enough effort to try and fix it to be okay with our decision. And I think that this long-span time of fixing singularly, while necessary, is what threw off our friends and family the most. Because in that time I continued to act in a way that made others think I was happy, that masked the real struggle. So when we decided to change the situation, to take the step to find and live the lives that would make us happy, it was a surprise to many.

There's a song off of Sara Bareilles's new album that sums this up pretty well.

"Let me paint a picture for you then I'll have to teach you to see it

Illustrate the remnants of the life I used to live here in Eden

Rolled a lucky pair of dice, ended up paradise

Landed on a snake's eyes, took a bite and ended up bleeding

You know if I could change anything, I think I would start with the name

The truth is all those angels started acting the same

And I know there's no going back now cause

Life in Eden

Life in Eden changed

No way to make the pain play fair

It doesn't disappear just because you say it isn't there

So when they ask why'd she go you can say cause

Life in Eden

Life in Eden changed"

A conversation with a friend kind of sums this up. She questioned me a month or two ago. Not out of trying to change my mind, necessarily. But out of concern and understanding. She wanted to make sure there wasn't something she was missing...some bit that made it all make sense to the outsider looking in. In trying to explain to her, I began to realize just how shut off I had made myself in the struggle. How hidden it was, even to my closest friends and family. And I think so much of it goes back to that quote. I had tried to continue to live the perceived life that made others think I/we was/were happy, while not really being happy.

Life in Eden had changed.

Friday Inspiration

Thursday Video: A diamond, a rose, a most precious material

A military friend sent me this the other day. It's amazing how God speaks to you. This video is a reminder I need to give myself daily.

I am beautiful. I am smart. I am funny. I am kind. I am unique.

I am worthy. I am worthy of being treated like the most precious of gems.

I am worthy of a love and affection most powerful.

I am.

And until I am blessed with that love in this human life, I am secure in the knowledge that I have that love in Him. Unconditional. Unfailing. Without hesitation or question.

He gave me strength, and still loves me in my weakest moments. He gave me talent, and still loves me when I'm silly. He gave me a great love to give. A great love worthy of loving.

While I seek to find that person in me, those characteristics, again - the strength, the love, the talent, the kindness, the patience - I have hope because I know He already sees it. While I journey to find a person to share my life and my love with, a person who will love me as God loves me, who will show me happiness in the darkest of days and be my partner, my equal in my life's adventures - I have faith because I know He already sees not just the journey, but the destination.

I am awesome.

And when I forget it, I have awesome friends to remind me. I have me to remind me. I have HIM to remind me.

Have a little faith

What's the adage? Two steps forward, one step back?

After all my talk about sitting back and enjoying the ride, tempering my inner crazy child, I had a minor meltdown this weekend/today. The details don't really matter. Suffice it to say 50hr work weeks + fever-inducing illness + gloomy weekend = Lora in a funk.

I wasn't necessarily questioning myself and my choices...just a minor panic attack of the unknown. I warned here and here that I was/am a planner. That the unknown, the sitting back and letting life happen both scares and frustrates me. It makes me feel helpless. I am a woman of action, and being in this in between...this unknown amoeba of still settling into my new life, unsure of where it's going...is helplessness by the very definition.

On Sunday at church (tested out a new church, starting the search for a new church family) the interim pastor gave a sermon on getting down in the thick of the mess and getting your hands dirty to get things done. That even in the most seemingly uneventful or unworthy situations, miracles are happening. Good things are happening. We only have to notice them.

I never would have pictured myself where I am now. You don't get married expecting to get divorced. And this new life may not be quite figured out yet, but each day is a step forward. Sometimes life throws you curve balls. Sometimes you bonk 10 miles from home. And there's nothing you can do but grit through it and look for the good things along the way to help the time pass. It doesn't do you any good to get off your bike and stomp and curse your situation. Your path, which may seem slow and tedious. Your destination, which may seem unknown. All of these things are part of God's bigger plan, which means there's miracles along the way. You just have to put on your shades and find them through the blinding light of awesome. Oh, and maybe stop thrashing and cursing.

Who knows. We'll see about that last bit. ;)

TED Thursday: Vulnerability equals growth

This week's TED talk is by Brené Brown, about the power of vulnerability. First off...she speaks crazy well. You can't help but listen. She's got a good mix of funny and fact.

I also think that it relates to my crazy kid on a roller coaster metaphor. Because if I sit back and think about it, what I'm going crazy over is the unknown. The inability to control the situation. That feeling of vulnerability.

(click to play)

So, if you don't have time to listen/watch it (20min, totally worth it) - here are some quotes and the main things I took away from it:

"Knock discomfort upside the head and move it over."

Yup. That's me. To a "t". Or at least the me I'm trying to break free of.

"Tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. "We can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly.""

"They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be to be who they were."

This kind of gets back to the quote image my cousin sent me from this post. That it's not about being the person you think people want you to be, that the fake person makes you better in some way...but instead being yourself. And that inherently makes you the best person possible. But people rarely do it because it's very vulnerable to be the real you. You open yourself up to criticism. To hurt. To the possibility of not being accepted.

"I know that vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, struggle for worthiness...but also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, love."

To which she then said, vulnerability may be awesome but:

"A. that's not me 

B. I don't even hang out with people like that."

Word. She and I? Cut from the same cloth. But as a part of her research, she decided to take on this openness. This feeling of vulnerability.

"It was a year-long street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but I probably won my life back..."

"You cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say: Here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability. Here's grief. Here's shame. Here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm gonna have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin...You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects or emotions. You cannot selectively numb. When we numb those, we numb joy. We numb gratitude. We numb happiness. And then we are miserable and we are looking for purpose and meaning. And then we feel vulnerable so we have a couple beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle."

"You are imperfect and you are wired for struggle. But you are worthy of love and belonging."

"To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen. Vulnerably seen. To love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee. To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering "can I love you this much? can I believe in this as passionately? can I be this fierce about this?" Just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say "I'm just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive". "

"To believe that we're enough. When we work from a place that says "I'm enough" we stop screaming and start listening. We're kinder and gentler to the people around us."

I think this is part of my journey. To continue to grow into the person who freely shows their emotions. Who is okay with living in the moment. I think people saw our “perfect” marriage and so I began to emulate that. I began to hide away the real emotions, the real struggle. I think I didn't let many people know about it because I didn't want to release that vulnerability. To acknowledge that try as I might, my effort to create happiness for two was going nowhere. That I wasn't in control. I finally became okay with that because I realized the issue was bigger than me. It was bigger of a problem than I could solve. Than we could solve.

And now? I still struggle with that vulnerability, but it’s on a different level. It’s a different type. I don’t necessarily know where my life is taking me; what lies after the upward ka-chunk, ka-chunk of the roller coaster. But I’m learning that this unknown is okay. That opening myself up to it, to the passion or grief, is letting me be the real me.

Most people know I do everything passionately. I love hard. I work hard. I play hard. But that also means that when it happens, I hurt just as hard. Because I invest all of me in everything I do. And I have to realize that the hurt is okay. Not necessarily the reason for the hurt, but the act of hurting. Of grieving or feeling pain. Of pushing. Because that also means I’m open to the joy. The wonder and happiness that this world, this life has in store for me.

I don’t like to hurt. I don’t like the unknown. But as I sit here, strapped into this roller coaster, I’m going to try each day to thrash a little less. To sit back, relax, and stare at the sky in wonderment. Because the ka-chunk will be over soon. And then the ride will begin.